Fear and Sharing
“ARTISTS ARE PEOPLE DRIVEN BY THE TENSION BETWEEN THE DESIRE TO COMMUNICATE, AND THE DESIRE TO HIDE”
- D.W. Winnicot
I read this quote the other day posted by @Shamoftheperfect on Instagram. It resonated with me, a lot. So much so that I took a screen shot so I could remember the words, and am writing this self exposing babble to you now.
It is true. The drive to create and share my work, both inspires and terrifies me. And given any opportunity, in my reclusive creative frenzies, I am content to hide myself away in the editing cave, writing stories and editing photos for days on end. At times quite happy never to reveal my creative treasures.
Releasing my photos and writings is often filled with, pride, excitement, riddled with the underlying need for external gratification, yet at the same time burdened with conflicted and a good healthy dose of fear and self doubt.
Its exhausting really, an ongoing battle for me at all times. Maybe it sounds ridiculous, but it is true, and one of the main reasons that I withhold sharing a lot my work.
Did you know I used to sing? Yup, I sure as hell did. My dad is a musician. My childhood is filled with memories of him singing, around the campfire, guitar in hand. He has played in bands and at jam sessions my whole life, and at the ripe age of 75 -god bless- he is still at it.
I grew up watching him on stage, and listening to late night basement practices. The deep vibration of him plucking the strings on his base guitar. Drums and symbols banging, and the ear piercing screech of microphone feed back. I would sing with him around campfires, at weddings, and small town dances.
And then one day I decided I wasn’t good enough. I would pick myself apart, and developed such raging anxiety for public performing that I quit altogether. That was it, my singing days were over.
Why did this happen? Why the self doubt? Why the fear? Where did this come from? Why do I care about being good enough, or what others think of me? Who gives an actual fuck about any of it? And most importantly why do I? I’m still working through some of these deep seeded questions.
It should be about sharing your talents. It should be about just doing what you love. What inspires you, and makes your heart full. What drives you in living your purpose and passions.
I am trying to resolve some of my regard for these give a fuck moments. The ones that hold you back from “doing you.”
I’m sure there will be Many instances of anxiety, neurosis, and mania, followed up with a healthy serving of humiliation. . But I am going to do my damndest to overcome all that. I mean, after half a century it is the least I can do for myself. It’s a constant battle this self doubt thing. But I do believe that life is about growing and becoming the best version of you. And that never comes without some some growing pains.
I am - joyful, grateful, loyal, adventurous, passionate, inspired, and creative. These are just some of the words that come to mind.
Not once when I searched for my words did I think of fearful. The soul is wiser than the head.
And so I shall forge ahead into this decade transition year with some new go to words.
Grateful & Fearless -
“The universe is for me, and so is everything else” - Adriene Mishler
Thanks for listening xx td
In light of the blog topic today, here is a liquid courage recipe.
Kick ass Dirty Martini -
The perfect ratio’s compliments of my good friend Nathan Grund.
In a shaker add -
3oz. Good Gin - Beefeater is good
1/2 oz. of dry Vermouth
Full cap or just under 1/2 oz of olive juice (from the jar)
Pour over ice & shake the shit out of it.
Pour into martini glass
Garnish with 3 Greek mammoth pimento stuffed olives (my fav) you can garnish how you’d like.
Drink immediately while it’s cold but not too fast or you will be smashed.
It’s a fine line I have yet to master.. but how hard am I really trying?
Happi'Ness
Our little slice of HappiNess
It’s true, this place could be a metaphor for happiness. Depending on your level or need, for urbanism.. This may or may not, be your cup of Starbucks. But for myself and bae ( I’ve always wanted to say that ) it is pretty damn soul filling in all its’ snowy winter wonderland, back to nature splendour.
For me this, Ness Creek mini mid winter get away, was just what the doctor ordered. Metaphorically speaking. Frigid temperatures and all.
Our little cabin was perfect and had everything we needed, aside from a bathroom and running water. If you’re into that kind of thing. I mean, whatever.
Not to worry there are flushing toilets and hot showers in another building just a hop skip and a jump away. Maybe two hops, but not far I promise.
There was plenty of cosy heat provided by some electric heaters and a fresh water jug in our kitchenette. I absolutely loved the wall wisdom, hand written with marker or pencil, on the walls and ceiling throughout the cabin.
A few steps away there was a community cabin called Ness Quarters with a washer/dryer and a fully equipped kitchen for communal use.
I brought a slow cooker, why is this something I needed to share? Well, let me tell you - In times of limited kitchen facilities, this or an insta pot can be your one- stop -pot life saving Swiss Army knife. It also helps fill the gap with no BBQ’ing option because in -30, those little tin grills just can’t keep up.
Had mother nature been a little less manic we would have Barbecued for sure. Brad and I really do love our camping( please refer back to bae reference). So this was a perfect little getaway.
One of my favourite little spots amongst all the cozy cabins and Boreal Forest was the warm and comfy straw bale house. Resident care taker Perry kept the wood burning stove going through out the day and past my bedtime, which isn’t saying much. .
It was glorious and oh so warm. Pretty sure I just got a shiver there. This sweet little straw bale house comes equipped with a kettle, fridge, couches, vintage record player, and an arsenal of vinyl for your groovy listening pleasure. When one talks of vinyl records groovy is perfectly acceptable verbiage.
There is also a flat screen TV. But given where we were, and the purpose of our little get away, it just seemed wrong to engage. I think it would have killed that “remote cabin in the woods vibe” Besides we can watch tv at home right?
Wifi is available but I think it works best in Ness Quarters. We didn’t have much of a signal in our cabin, but the cell service was great.
Cross country ski’s and snowshoe rentals are available, and there are plenty of groomed trails for the light of heart, and hard core outdoorsman. Pick and choose your level of pain my friends.
I really wanted to snowshoe but given the temperatures I was talked out of it. Ok fine, not much persuasion was needed.. so we went on a small hike instead. Which I decided was probably harder than the frickin snow shoeing, being the snow was up to my damn knees, (hence the sole purpose of snow shoes) my ski pants were 2 sizes to big, and I felt like I was hiking in a space suit. It was ridiculous, and I need to burn them, never to be worn again. I shall banish them forever.
But all that aside we were submersed in the tranquility of a Northern forest with towering pines, and plenty of fresh air, I was at one with nature - and calories were burned.
The view from our cabin
Sometimes I forget just what Winter in the Sask can offer. I loved our little hike, caught up on some writing, read a book, and played some Scrabble. Perhaps snow shoeing or cross country skiing next time. Without the Ski pants.
We came, we saw, we kicked its’ ass - Sorry, I couldn’t resist. No ass was kicked, but if anyone remembers what movie that is from let me know in the comments below.
Our Ness Creek cabin was perfect and I really can’t wait to go back.
Side note for the “non” Saskatchewan readers - Numerous functions and annual music festivals are held out at Ness Creek in the summer months, when the air is not so Arctic. I hear it can be pretty busy. The beauty would remain the same, but I’m thinking the quality of mid winter tranquility could be affected. Regardless, I’ve never been in the summer months, so don’t take my word for it. I highly recommend arranging your own little adventure to this cool little gem, in Northern Saskatchewan.
Some buildings throughout Ness Creek camp
Thanks for the the love Ness Creek ♡
Frosty nose hair smiles-
xo
TD