Fear and Sharing
“ARTISTS ARE PEOPLE DRIVEN BY THE TENSION BETWEEN THE DESIRE TO COMMUNICATE, AND THE DESIRE TO HIDE”
- D.W. Winnicot
I read this quote the other day posted by @Shamoftheperfect on Instagram. It resonated with me, a lot. So much so that I took a screen shot so I could remember the words, and am writing this self exposing babble to you now.
It is true. The drive to create and share my work, both inspires and terrifies me. And given any opportunity, in my reclusive creative frenzies, I am content to hide myself away in the editing cave, writing stories and editing photos for days on end. At times quite happy never to reveal my creative treasures.
Releasing my photos and writings is often filled with, pride, excitement, riddled with the underlying need for external gratification, yet at the same time burdened with conflicted and a good healthy dose of fear and self doubt.
Its exhausting really, an ongoing battle for me at all times. Maybe it sounds ridiculous, but it is true, and one of the main reasons that I withhold sharing a lot my work.
Did you know I used to sing? Yup, I sure as hell did. My dad is a musician. My childhood is filled with memories of him singing, around the campfire, guitar in hand. He has played in bands and at jam sessions my whole life, and at the ripe age of 75 -god bless- he is still at it.
I grew up watching him on stage, and listening to late night basement practices. The deep vibration of him plucking the strings on his base guitar. Drums and symbols banging, and the ear piercing screech of microphone feed back. I would sing with him around campfires, at weddings, and small town dances.
And then one day I decided I wasn’t good enough. I would pick myself apart, and developed such raging anxiety for public performing that I quit altogether. That was it, my singing days were over.
Why did this happen? Why the self doubt? Why the fear? Where did this come from? Why do I care about being good enough, or what others think of me? Who gives an actual fuck about any of it? And most importantly why do I? I’m still working through some of these deep seeded questions.
It should be about sharing your talents. It should be about just doing what you love. What inspires you, and makes your heart full. What drives you in living your purpose and passions.
I am trying to resolve some of my regard for these give a fuck moments. The ones that hold you back from “doing you.”
I’m sure there will be Many instances of anxiety, neurosis, and mania, followed up with a healthy serving of humiliation. . But I am going to do my damndest to overcome all that. I mean, after half a century it is the least I can do for myself. It’s a constant battle this self doubt thing. But I do believe that life is about growing and becoming the best version of you. And that never comes without some some growing pains.
I am - joyful, grateful, loyal, adventurous, passionate, inspired, and creative. These are just some of the words that come to mind.
Not once when I searched for my words did I think of fearful. The soul is wiser than the head.
And so I shall forge ahead into this decade transition year with some new go to words.
Grateful & Fearless -
“The universe is for me, and so is everything else” - Adriene Mishler
Thanks for listening xx td
In light of the blog topic today, here is a liquid courage recipe.
Kick ass Dirty Martini -
The perfect ratio’s compliments of my good friend Nathan Grund.
In a shaker add -
3oz. Good Gin - Beefeater is good
1/2 oz. of dry Vermouth
Full cap or just under 1/2 oz of olive juice (from the jar)
Pour over ice & shake the shit out of it.
Pour into martini glass
Garnish with 3 Greek mammoth pimento stuffed olives (my fav) you can garnish how you’d like.
Drink immediately while it’s cold but not too fast or you will be smashed.
It’s a fine line I have yet to master.. but how hard am I really trying?
